


Sex Toy My Arse

by AwatereJones



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alt Verse, Birthday request, Funny, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 05:16:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14371692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: Jack sez it's a sex toy, Ianto says its a pain in the butt. It is my lovely friend's birthday and this is what she had asked for ... How about a one shot ? Jack accidentally shrinks lanto and owen finds him and hides him from jack while watching him go nuts trying to find him .maybe he thinks my ate him ? ... hope this is what my little kitty wanted xxxxx





	Sex Toy My Arse

Ianto sighed as he looked around with annoyance, once again he was being ignored and overlooked. Mind you, not really their faults. Jack had pushed a button.

.

.

.

"Sex toy" Jack choked around the mouthful of sandwich as Owen turned to face him with open horror, the overacting deliberate as he snatched at it.

"Really? Never had one of those have we?"

Jack snorted and milk came out of his nose, then he reached for a napkin Ianto had left earlier "Look, seriously. It's a wriggle thingee."

Owen stared at him silently, then frowned, "Where's the Tea-boy. Don't tell me you used it on him and he's turned into some sort of squid or something."

Jack frowned, "No! Look, he wasn't even here when I pushed the button. Look, it goes all wiggly."

Jack pointed it at a shelf and pushed the big red button, the cylindrical object wriggling "See? A big …like a sonic screwdriver but … not."

"Maybe it's someone else's" Owen pointed out and Jack rolled his eyes.

"Nope, there are no more Timelords" Jack corrected and Owen shook his head.

"Ianto said something about different lives and personalities or something, maybe thing is from one of his regenerations or whatever ya call it" Owen shrugged.

"Nah" Jack rose and bounced from the room calling for Ianto so Owen sat on the edge of the desk, then looked down at his sneaker. Something had touched it and he found himself looking at Ianto.

"Fuck"

Ianto placed his hands on his hips to show that he agreed and Owen clambered to his hands and knees to look at the teeny tiny little person who looked like one of those figurines from Star Trek or something that you buy to put on the shelf. If it were Spock with normal ears and a three piece suit … same look of doom though.

"Finished?" came a surprisingly deep voice, even in miniature he sounded like a fucking dragon about to flame everyone.

"Oh boy" Owen grinned, "He's fucked up this time right?"

"Owen, please take it off him before he zaps Toshi or something" Ianto demanded as her voice echoed in the hub, chastising Jack for running.

"You'll put an eye out" she called.

"So they tell me all the time Blossom" he called back, looking up to see Owen standing on the gantry with a frown, "Come on Owen, help me find my lushy bum."

"Lushy bum?" Ianto hissed from Owen's pocket, "Did that prick just… oh my god does he call me that all the time?"

"Lushy Bum, Fancy Pants, Tiger Pants, Tiger Whiskers when you didn't shave that time … "

"Stop" Ianto snarled and Owen snorted, "No, physically. Stop."

Owen did so and saw with horror that Jack was pointing it at something then yelling "Pop"

Pop.

Jack's grin faded as he looked at the object in his hand, then at what he had been pointing it at and Ianto gasped with horror "Did he just zap Myfanwy?"

"Oh shit" Owen sighed as Jack started to shake the thing vigorously and pointed it again.

"Jack, if it's not reversed won't you just shrink her more?" Owen started to run, Ianto in his coat pocket hanging on for dear life, "Jesus, Ianto is gonna skin you alive."

"Don't tell him" Jack begged, "I will owe you one. Right? I … I will owe you a big one ... your choice, just don't tell him I zapped his bloody bird."

"My blood…."

Owen's hand pated Ianto into the pocket and then to Ianto's annoyance held him there, "Sure Boss."

Ianto bit down between finger and thumb, Owen yanking back his hand with a squeak of pain.

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I had a needle in my pocket" Owen sighed, "Clean. Just a little prick."

"Bet they say that to you all the time hehe? Oooo, drew blood" Jack moved closer and Owen stuck it in his mouth hurriedly so the little teeth marks were hidden, "Come on. Let's sort this out before Yani Yum comes up from the archives."

"Yani Yum" came a small hiss that Owen covered with a cough.

They were in Jack's office when Jack threw the thing down and stood, walking around his desk to calm himself then he looked down, "Ianto's stop watch?"

He bent down to pick it up and frowned, then paled, "Shit. Shit, shit, shit."

"Yes?" Owen was quite enjoying this now, even Ianto had stopped struggling with interest.

Jack pulled up the CCTV footage and they watched as Jack kissed Ianto, bending him back over the desk, Ianto slapping at him and struggling to get out of his grip, Jack laughing as Ianto said something definitely vicious as Jack grabbed his chest to pretend he was having a heart attack. Ianto was flicking the watch into the air and catching it as he seemed to watch Tosh work.

Time passed and Ianto turned to watch Jack for a few minutes and shook his head then Ianto turned to look down at the hub, Jack picked up the thingee and shook it. Then pushed the button. Ianto vanished from the spot by the sofa, his watch falling to the floor.

"Shit."

"What did you do next?" Owen asked with interest, Jack walking to where Ianto had been and reaching for the little bowl of chocolates sitting on the arm of the sofa. He grabbed a handful and threw them into his mouth, then reached again with glee.

"Oh my gods" Jack slapped at his stomach, "Owen I ate Ianto. Quick get the Scanner, quick."

Owen pondered and then sniggered as he headed down, Ianto hissing, "What are you doing?"

"I might get him to promise another free pass" Owen said with glee.

"Owen, this is not helping my get bigger, is it." Ianto reminded him and Owen shrugged, "So? FUCK!"

Myfanwy made an interesting bird, now the size of a humming bird and twice as pissed as usual as she dive-bombed him, her feeder obviously in his clutches.

"OWEN!" Jack roared, "Stop pissing her off, Ianto will come ….shit. Shit. Ianto. OWEN!"

Owen managed to catch her with a jar, the screw top lid having holes and he placed her on the desk in Jack's office to distract him as he settled in a chair and waved the scanner with open boredom, "Right. I scanned you, he's not in there."

"He's gonna kill me, oh gods, my baby. A pocket Rocket. Help me look" Jack was on his hands and knees making kissy noises as he tried to see under the sofa, "Tiggy? Come on Tiggy Tiger Bum?"

"Jack…"

"Oh gods, what if she ate him? What if my poor Yum-yum was trying to get to the archives for a fix and she saw him, like a little handsome mousie running along, oh gods. I zapped her, does that mean I just made him microscopic?"

"I'll go check the archives for something" Owen suggested with an eye roll he hopes would do in lieu of one of Ianto's' and wandered down in the hopes Ianto would think of something on the way.

They were almost to the archives when ….RRRIIIIIPPPPPPPP…. Owen staggered into the wall as Ianto shoved at him and Owen turned to find the man full-sized shooting his cuffs with a look of annoyance.

"Ah, thank god. Time delay" Owen sighed, "Why didn't I think of that. Remember last month? That one who turned my hair green for an hour? Shit, what a ….oh no."

"Oh no what" Ianto demanded.

"Myfanwy. I put her on his desk." Owen pointed up and both men stared at one another for a moment then the sniggering started, then laughter as they pointed at one another now, then barks of glee as they ran to Ianto's desk and Ianto brought up the CCTV.

Owen was patting Ianto's shoulders as he stood behind him while he sat in the chair "Come on, come on. How long was the delay between you and her, um … do you think…"

BOOM

CRACKKKKKK

SCREEAACHCCHHHHHHHHH

"AAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

"Huh" Owen canted his head, "Jack had quite a set of lungs doesn't he."

Ianto watched his beloved Myfanwy as she lumbered around the remains of the broken desk, Jack running for his life as he screamed his apologies mixed in with Ianto's name as he looked back over his shoulder, came out of the office door and into the railing, SWIIINGGGGGG…. AARGGGHHHHHH ….Splat.

"Clean up Aisle Three" Owen said with a sigh as the bird exploded through the glass of the office and it rained down on the body lying below in the hub floor. Tosh was still in her chair frozen to the spot with shock.

"Come on, help me hide that thing before he resurrects" Ianto started to run as Owen followed, the thought of Jack knowing it was only a time delay meaning none of them would be safe otherwise.

Myfanwy was not even mollified with chocolate that day. Jack spending the rest of it in the kitchen, the only room she respected as it was Ianto's nest in her mind and she could not attack him in there.

Ianto shoved the ice pack at him as he stood waiting on the hot water for a coffee.

"I don't know why you are all being so calm for this!" Jack said as he looked at Owen with annoyance, finally realising the prick had Ianto all the time.

"Sorry Jack" Ianto's' voice was syrupy sweet, warning Jack to stop whinging, "I would hate to minimilise your discomfort now. Eh?"

Jack smiled weakly as he applied the ice pack, hopefully Myfanwy would stop head butting his crotch tomorrow.

Fucking sex toy my arse!


End file.
